da gameur
by Iota-Cassiopeiae
Summary: There are infinite possibilities in the Kaleidoscope of universes. Everette branches crossing this way and that, creating an evanescent tapestry of life... and all of them more interesting than this one. Join me, the author as a NEW GAMER IS BORN TO KICK (and lick) ASS. SI takes Fate/Grand Order by storm! BLAM KABOOM SPLASH WOW! PEW PEW PEW. YEAH! (M for MAD LAD)


I awoke in the space between spaces. The buttcrack between pages. The corner of the room between walls.

And it was dark.

"_Ah_," I said without making a sound.

My mind, only just having snapped awake, was reduced to a silent wasteland in the wake of…

…well, the fact that I couldn't see.

My eyes were open, and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't feel the rest of my body. I didn't know where I was because _the moon should have been shining through my window if this was my room_.

Somehow though, I could _tell_: it wasn't that I couldn't see, it was just that there was a massive black world around me.

If I had lungs or a heart, they might have been squeezing and expanding like crazy. But I had neither, so I was left to feel only the heat haze of adrenaline fill my head.

_"Dad-" _I shouted into the nothingness, but I couldn't hear myself speak.

It still felt like the panic was rising 'up' inside me at that realization.

"Hush you uppity git, I'm coming I'm coming!"

I screamed as a voice I had never heard before rang loudly through the expanse.

My mind spun in shock at the quick response, then at the sheer ridiculousness of what I had just heard.

(Uppity git?)

"Bejesus, you're a regular fucking alarm, aren't you! Look at you go now! Five minutes ago you were sound asleep and I was wiling the time away before you woke up. Come a couple seconds ago and I jump out of my goddamned chair to your pathetic grasping for mommy and daddy!"

I still couldn't see the person talking to me.

_"Fuck you! Whe-re the fuck am I? Who are you, why - what the hell is going on?"_

The voice took a pause.

"Hm hm, yes. Very good. You put all those questions together so succinctly, so you have my thanks. How about I give you your answer in one go:

Shut up, or I'm going to turn on the lights."

"Anyway," the person continued as his words left me temporarily frozen in confusion. "I'm not here to give you answers. I'm here to offer you your bullshit powers."

It took me a moment to understand.

"_Wha- why?_"

"I thought." The voice lowered, became quieter. "I told you. To. Shut. Up. And that I am here to give, not to explain. So hurry up and choose:"

Cowed by the voice's threats, I waited to see what would happen.

A screen popped up in front of me.

(What?)

For a moment I blankly stared at it in incomprehension. Slowly, I began to read down the list.

'**Steal other's powers.**

Through a ritual only you will know, you can siphon magic from other's souls directly to your own soul's pool of magic. Your magic circuits, however, will remain standard.'

'**Noble Phantasm.**

A random Noble Phantasm is yours.'

'**Mystic Eyes.**

You possess Gold-level Mystic Eyes.'

'**Reality Marble.**

The power to deploy a Bounded Field wherein you have complete control over reality - at the cost of having your perceptions changed from what they are now.'

"What do you think of the first couple, child?"

I startled and warily spoke, "_I- don't know I'm just, um. They're… What the hell, this is so _fucked_._"

"Keep reading if you're not going to say anything interesting."

Though I wanted to deny that _thing's_ will, it was very hard to ignore the text before me.

'**Servant-level statistics.**

Humans normally have lower than E rankings across all stats. All of yours will be lifted to give total average of B.'

And it clicked.

"_THIS IS ONE OF THOSE SHITTY GAMER FICS._"

At first, there was no response. Then it began to giggle. It sounded small and muffled, as though it were trying to hold on to some shred of social decorum. As it continued, the giggle turned into gasping throaty gulps of laughter.

The thing's breaths were coming short and fast, and in its voice, I heard a smile: "I… _cannot believe… _it took this long… to find… agh… someone who knows what the hell a _shitty gamer fic_… as you so aptly described it… is."

It seemed to finally collect itself. For my part, I was still reeling in confusion at its reaction and waiting to see what it did.

"Yes. You are correct. You are to be given stats, special powers, and a suitably stupid series of enemies to conquer, women to take for your own and 'friends' to 'cherish'." With that, a streak of disdain filled its speech. "You to be given a world - no, a _universe that you are the center of_. FOR FREE. You little _fuck_."

I felt like a wind turbine had just been turned on in front of me, a blast of force and rush of power slammed into my mind and scrambled my thoughts. I was left limp and speechless.

Icy fear coursed through every iota of my being, freezing my attention on the source of that blow.

"You know… " The thing snorted. "I just had a thought. Say, why don't you tell me some of the stuff you've read? About those shitty gamer fics, yeah?"

"..._Why?_"

"Because I fucking asked you, that's why."

I needed to calm down and answer it. Whatever else, this thing's patience seemed to be razor thin, and I would try it no further if… there was more where _that _came from.

_I needed to stay calm and answer it._

_Stay calm, answer it._

_CALM. ANSWER._

Taking in a solitary shaky breath

(Huh?)

I spoke the truth. "_I've never read past the first chapter of any of them since they were all terrible."_

"Hah. Yes, well, I don't blame you. Most of them are composed by novices who get their rocks off to that sort of thing - power and domination of others. Supremacy of all that exists. Dunno though, I could use a little supreme dominance myself, so maybe I can sort of get where they're coming from. But, yeah, they suck.

A pause.

"How about good fics? Read any of those?"

"_Um, HPMoR?_"

"Ah, shit, really? You've read _that? _Hot _damn! _Good stuff! Good stuff! How about The Metropolitan Man? Unsong? Worm?"

"_I read Metropolitan Man and Worm, not Unsong._" I was starting to feel slightly confused; just where was this going?

"Well, since you're such a fine man of culture, surely a deeply rational individual-"

"_No, no no no, I'm not I'm nothing like that-_"

"HEY."

I was struck again by the gale. Blow after blow ripped through the fibers of my being and relentlessly uncoiled my consciousness.

Moments later, it stopped, and I lay there, gathering myself.

"So, as I was saying, being such a _rational individual_ who _totally didn't just do something completely retarded by interrupting the super-duper powerful Outer God dude_, I think - and this is just me - that you would do _completely fine _without any extra powers tacked on.

"Wouldn't you agre… hey, asshole, fucking get over it already. Look," The pain stopped. "I fixed it for you, how about you _listen _to me for a change instead of sticking everything I say in that stagnant pool that is your worthless _brain? Okay?_ So, _wouldn't you agreeeeee? Yes?_"

"_Ye-s, yes._"

(don't say anything else don't say anything else don't say anything else)

"Good. And, because I'm such a _benevolent _and upstanding individual, I'll do you a favor. See, I could send you into a world that obeys gamer logic, but instead, I'll just send you to a normal world… er, as normal as Fate worlds go instead. So you don't have to suffer under any stupid mechanics, you see."

" 'Oh wow, thank you, kind sir! I will surely enjoy that!' " It said in a falsetto.

"Mhm! So, though I am benevolent, I'm also busy! And, of course, in need of some good entertainment. Out with you! Go get 'em, tiger!"

Without another word, I went to sleep to its snicker.


End file.
